We hear this phrase often, everywhere, all the time, as if it were something inextricable, something that happens without us really expecting it. We are told “if you don't love yourself, how do you expect others to love you” when, although we have been taught to read, to count in pairs and to tie our shoes (for those who have the ref: check), no one has ever taught us to love, to love ourselves.

“If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect others to love you?”

We learn very early on that love is something modest, a little quiet, we must keep quiet about loving. We often wonder who said “I love you” first, was it you, was it me? When does love begin, when does it end? Can you love two people at the same time? Can you deceive and still love the person?

These are questions that always arise, but which have this common point: love is perceived, experienced as external. Deep down, we are often afraid that the other will stop loving us and transfer this love to someone else. So we become jealous, we imagine that he or she could find someone better, more interesting, funnier. What if, what if... but the reality is this: so many couples break up, so many people fall out of love, despite having experienced a deep, sincere and apparently perfect love.

My theory is this: people get together initially because they admire something in each other, a sort of fanitude (a word that probably doesn't exist but which I appreciate). When we love, we have a form of “wow” effect in front of the person we meet. We try to see complementarity in others, because we think we need others to feel whole, to be a whole person.

“Everything in this world suggests that the couple is the Holy Grail”

Who can blame us? Everything in this world suggests that the couple is the Holy Grail, the ultimate, the end of the epic. We are ultimately just planets obsessed with the sun of the universe, love, often forgetting that this same source of life can also be the cause of many ailments, such as burns or even cancer. What if ultimately, we had to prepare before exposing ourselves? What if we had to be ready for this solar encounter? By this, I mean that it is essential to strengthen our resilience, to protect ourselves before exposing ourselves to the love of others. In other words, the best way to prepare for a romantic relationship is to start by loving yourself.

So, I talked a lot, I admit. Perhaps my solar metaphor is not the most relevant (tell me in the comments), but follow me in this reflection. Self-love is a process. It's not something that can be guessed, especially when you don't know the basics or the structure. It's like being asked to build a building without having studied architecture or to do a backflip without ever having done gymnastics. So, when suddenly, after 25 or 30 years, we hear everywhere "love yourself before loving others", I understand that we can feel overwhelmed. We have always been taught to do and to have, but never to be.

I will humbly try to give you 4 tools for developing self-love, although as I mentioned, I am still building my own self-esteem.

1. Identify times and places of discomfort and lack of confidence.
   There are always moments in our lives when we feel out of place, as if we were there by mistake. We don't feel ourselves, whole, alive. Identify these moments and write them down (on an iPhone for example) to make a self-diagnosis. The idea is not only to write them down, but also to analyze them and understand why these feelings appear. Then, try to gradually eliminate these toxic environments, starting with the people who put you down and don't help you harness the best version of yourself.
   According to Deci and Ryan's self-determination theory, the need for competence and autonomy is essential to psychological well-being. Identifying and understanding these moments of discomfort can help restore a sense of control and competence in our lives .

2. Observe your thoughts and chase away negative thoughts about yourself and others.
   Do you know that often the criticism we give to others is also the criticism we give to ourselves? Let us be kind to ourselves and to others. It begins by observing our thoughts, especially those that do not serve us, such as “I am too fat”, “I am not beautiful”, etc.
   Cognitive psychology research shows that negative thinking patterns can lead to mood disorders, such as anxiety and depression. Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) is effective in reducing these negative thoughts by encouraging non-judgmental awareness of our thoughts .

3. Take care of yourself.
   Obviously, this is one of the most effective ways to develop self-love. By taking care of yourself, we accept that we are “worth it”, as L’Oréal would say, that we are worthy of pleasure. Take the time to use products that are good for you, to eat foods that contribute to your good health. Notice how good you feel when you adopt habits that promote your well-being. Feeling good is the start of self-love.
   Neuroscience studies show that taking care of yourself, including exercise and a healthy diet, can change brain chemistry by increasing levels of neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine, which are associated with well-being and for mood regulation

4. Spend time with yourself

   In addition to the previous tools, it is essential to spend time alone with yourself. Accept being in your own company, just with yourself. Take time to take a walk alone, meditate, talk to yourself, or even write stories to yourself. This special moment with yourself allows you to know yourself better, strengthen your self-esteem and explore your own creativity. Take advantage of these moments of solitude to reconnect with your deepest thoughts and to cultivate a positive relationship with yourself.

Thank you for reading, I have other little tips to implement, let me know if that would interest you :).

See you soon,

D.